is wine microwaveable?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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