Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
