Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
