can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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