The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
