Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
