Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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