she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
