How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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