Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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