we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
