I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
