Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
