well I can't set my house on fire every night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
