im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So squirting runs in the family.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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