He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
