So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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