i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
