Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
