I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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