i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
