I will die if light touches me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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