so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
