sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
