All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
