Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
