after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
