...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
