My brain says no but my pants say off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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