i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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