Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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