Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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