I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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