Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I miss vodka workout Fridays
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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