Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
