And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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