I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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