I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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