fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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