how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
are you so shy because you have an std?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
