thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
