I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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