____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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