i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
