if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
