So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
