allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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