I love black thongs
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
