your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
