my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
