1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
