Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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