What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
